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Finding out your friend is pregnant

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Let's be blunt: When you find out a friend is expecting, you feel excited for her — and if you're being honest, you may also feel a little…betrayed. It might sound horrible and selfish, but this happy time for her may be a hard one for you. I've been there. It's real, and it hurts. And no, feeling hurt does not make you evil, because there's no denying things are about to change big-time. Good-bye, Bloody Mary brunches and impromptu after-work socializing.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Finding out Your Best Friend is Pregnant

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: TELLING MY FRIENDS I'M PREGNANT!

8 Ways Your Best Friend Getting Pregnant Will Change Your Friendship

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Feeling pregnancy envy over friends, co-workers, and relatives is normal and common. You may even feel jealous just seeing a stranger's pregnant belly! What causes envy? And how can you cope? Envy is a normal emotion. You're not a bad person, friend, or relative for feeling pangs of jealousy.

Understanding the underlying thoughts that feed into jealous feelings may help you understand yourself better and even reduce these uncomfortable feelings. Common Jealousy Rational 1: "I would be a much better parent, but Ms.

Terrible-Mother gets pregnant yet again. Why do women get pregnant who were "not even trying? Why is your neighbor—who you believe to be a terrible mother—able to pop out kids with ease, but you—who you believe would be an awesome mother—can't conceive no matter how hard you try?

The truth is that pregnancy doesn't discriminate. Becoming pregnant is not dependent on how "hard" you try, nor on whether you'd make a good parent or a bad one. Common Jealousy Rational 2: "How dare she complain! She has no idea how lucky she is. Nothing stirs up jealousy and anger more than when a lucky friend starts complaining about morning sickness.

Or having to wake up with the baby in the middle of the night. How dare she complain when you would give everything to have a baby? Well, here's the thing to keep in mind: When you're pregnant, you'll also probably want to complain. If you force yourself to keep a happy appearance on the outside throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period, you may set yourself up for feeling depressed. Pregnancy and early parenthood aren't easy. Keeping your struggles a secret isn't good for your mental health.

In fact, having experienced infertility puts you at a higher risk for developing postpartum depression. When you hear your friend complaining, remember that whining about pregnancy and the newborn period is also part of the experience. It's not that they don't appreciate what they have—they do.

They just also love to talk-it-up. Also, remember that pregnancy and new motherhood are a both a blessing and a difficult experience to go through.

Complaining isn't a sign they don't appreciate it—it's part of the reality of pregnancy and parenting. Common Jealousy Rational 3: "Why her and not me? There are two rationales behind this one. One is a kind of silly notion that pregnancies are in short supply. Almost like if all your friends get pregnant, there won't be enough "pregnant" to go around for you. This isn't true, of course.

The other rational behind this one is more accurately, "Why not me? In many ways, it is easier to feel envy and direct your difficult feelings outward than to look inward and acknowledge sadness. Jealousy is less about your friend or family member's pregnancy, and more about your own grief over infertility. Infertility is a frustrating, difficult disease to face. Feeling sadness, anger, grief, and fear is common and normal. Anger especially is an emotion that likes a target.

If you're feeling angry about infertility, directing that anger at a co-worker who gets pregnant may feel easier than directing it at the universe for not dealing you the pregnancy cards you hoped for.

When you're in the thick of pregnancy jealousy, sometimes you need to take steps to lessen your exposure to the triggers. Some things you can do include:. While you shouldn't force yourself to attend every baby shower, or tortuously read dozens of Facebook pregnancy-related status updates, you should try—when you're ready—to let the pregnancy jealousy go. You may need to re-let go over and over again. But being able to do so is important to your mental health. Jealousy can get in the way of having an Awesome Aunt role.

Jealousy can cut you off from people who you once really loved to hang out with. Jealousy can make you feel alone, and jealousy can make you feel ashamed wondering why you just can't get over yourself. Letting go of pregnancy jealousy takes time, and sometimes, you need professional counseling to help you get there. As stated above, jealousy is deep down grief and anger. If you don't face the inner sadness , you'll have a harder time letting go of jealousy.

Some ways to let go of jealousy include Tell someone : Don't keep your feelings a secret, otherwise they fester and grow larger. If not, talk to someone else who will understand. A counselor can serve in this role as well. Write out your sorrows : Write in a fertility blog ; write a letter than you'll never send to your pregnant friend.

Or write one that you will send, expressing how you want to be happy for her but the sadness of your own situation makes that difficult. Write in a private journal. Write out what you cannot say. Send a blessing or prayer : When your eyes gaze upon a pregnant belly, and you feel the green jealousy monster rising inside, pay attention to that feeling. Take two deep breaths.

Then, close your eyes and send blessings, vibes, or prayers to that mother and baby. The prayer can be very simple, like "May you have a healthy, safe delivery; may you know nothing but love and warmth.

Then, after sending the blessing to the pregnant woman, send a blessing to yourself, fertility related or not. Try to let go of shame and guilt for your feelings : The only thing worse than feeling bad is feeling bad about feeling bad. Pregnancy envy is common. You are not the first, and you won't be the last, to hear about a friend or family member who has conceived and get upset.

When you sense yourself getting angry with yourself for feeling envious, or for not being able to feel joy for your friend, try saying to yourself, "I'm feeling envious. This is normal. I forgive myself. When you've been struggling to get pregnant, envy of someone's pregnancy or newborn baby is normal.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way. It's not that you're not happy for your friend or relative. It's that you're feeling sad for your loss. Beating yourself up over your very normal reaction isn't worthwhile. The best way to cope with pregnancy envy is to accept that your feelings are normal, forgive yourself for feeling upset, and reach out for support. Be sure your support person will understand your perspective. The person you're envious of may not be the best one to talk to. If you can't get over your feelings of envy, or they are interfering with your ability to enjoy your every day life, consider counseling.

There are many good reasons to see a counselor during infertility. They can help you deal with all the other difficult emotions that arise during fertility challenges.

Get diet and wellness tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Female Infertility. Reviewed February 21, American Academy of Pediatrics. Updated November 19, Psychol Sci. More in Fertility Challenges. Pregnancy Envy. Anger and Grief in Disguise. Protection from Jealousy. Learning to Let Go. View All. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Sign Up. What are your concerns? Article Sources. Verywell Family uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles.

How to Deal with Pregnancy Envy

You spend so much time together. The last thing in the world you can imagine is her having a baby. Right now your friend needs your support and encouragement and there are some practical ways you can show you care and love her no matter what. Some of these ideas may even help you work through your own emotions when your friend is pregnant.

Have you ever had a sneaking suspicion that someone you know is pregnant? Since asking someone whether they are pregnant is one of the rudest questions in our society, we have to get creative when it comes to finding out. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to announce their pregnancy — especially early on.

My best friend is expecting her first baby. I'm pretty excited because the idea of mini versions of us running around together is pretty all-time. Having your first baby is a big deal. And your bestie having her first baby is extra amazing because you get all the joy and cuddles of a delicious newborn bubble of squishiness to fall in love with, without the episiotomy.

How to Handle Your Best Friend Getting Pregnant

Feeling pregnancy envy over friends, co-workers, and relatives is normal and common. You may even feel jealous just seeing a stranger's pregnant belly! What causes envy? And how can you cope? Envy is a normal emotion. You're not a bad person, friend, or relative for feeling pangs of jealousy. Understanding the underlying thoughts that feed into jealous feelings may help you understand yourself better and even reduce these uncomfortable feelings. Common Jealousy Rational 1: "I would be a much better parent, but Ms. Terrible-Mother gets pregnant yet again. Why do women get pregnant who were "not even trying?

What’s the Best Thing to Say When Your Friend Says She’s Pregnant?

Right now you know she needs your support and a hug is a good start. Over the next few days, weeks, and months she is going to need your support in some very practical ways. Some of these ways of being there for her may even help you work through your emotions about her pregnancy. As your friend processes the information and works through all of her options she is going to need someone in her corner.

The morning I found out I was pregnant, I met a friend for a freak-out breakfast.

It's a life changing moment: Your best friend in the whole wide world just told you she's going to have a baby! You've been together every step of the bumpy road to adulthood, sharing in both the joys and the hardships. You've been each other's shoulder to cry on after bad breakups, and have been partners in crime when it comes to having fun and cutting loose.

10 Sneaky Signs That Someone You Know Might Be Pregnant

Take time away from your pregnant friend, if you need it. The inability to have children can be utterly devastating and you should give yourself permission to mourn it in whatever way feels best. Take care of yourself.

I was standing at a warehouse sale browsing through vintage jeans when I got a call from my best friend. She was in Toronto having just seen her favorite rapper with a mutual friend. The next day, while hungover, she took a pregnancy test. She called me immediately. We were both over the moon, but stunned.

What to do if your friend is pregnant and you’re not happy about it

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Maybe your friend has decided to carry her baby to term, but she doesn't know if she wants to be a mom yet. Maybe she is considering abortion as an option.

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